Welcoming Chaos

I am opting out of comfort in exchange for discomfort. I’m leaving the kiddie pool and diving headfirst into the deep end of the grown-ass adult pool. I’m locking arms with my Wanderer goddess, ready to go on an adventure into the unknown.

I am inviting CHAOS into my life.

Chaos comes from the Greek word khaos, which refers to the mythological gap preceding the creation of the universe in myths. It’s the empty space before something comes into being.

It feels like I’m shedding an old skin, one that served me well. It protected me and provided a predictable day to day life. I was truly comfortable in that old skin. I needed that reliable, secure, and safe lifestyle. I worked damn hard to earn that cushiness. I was in a flow. But then I suffered a period of severe burnout that wore me down and wrung me out. The pandemic started shortly after, and everything changed. One day I woke up to realize that the skin was cracking, and it just didn’t fit anymore. My spirit was constricted, and it made me feel miserable.

I had to decide either I was going to repress the urges of my soul or trust my soul to know what would be best for me in my life moving forward.

I love the idea of chaos. It is beautifully appropriate for the growth I’m experiencing. Chaos cannot be understood. I can’t use my linear brain to figure it out. I can’t capture it or contain it. I can only be fully immersed in it and trust that everything will work out for the better.

I don’t expect everyone to understand some of the decisions I have made to welcome chaos into my life. But I know how to listen to my inner wise woman and take her lead. She has never, ever failed me. When she speaks truths to me, I feel it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. A warm concentration of energy swells in my chest, and I know she is right.

I feel unstoppable. 

“Your fear will always be triggered by your creativity, because creativity asks you to enter into realms of uncertain outcome, and fear hates uncertain outcome.”

Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert

And yes, I have moments of doubt too. From time to time, I have to do maintenance on my wounded feminine and masculine. The fear of not knowing what will happen tomorrow much less a year from now stems from my insecure masculine searching for logical, straightforward answers. It sets off an alarm system in my body’s my nervous system. For me, that means I begin to fixate on finding the panacea to all the uncertainties so that I can ease my anxieties. Anxieties over what? Looking a fool, going broke, or getting trapped in yet another situation where I feel unhappy.

It’s easy to get stuck in the hamster wheel of uncertainty. A lot of women feel stuck in a situation or a mindset they cannot escape. But there’s always an escape route. The answer descends upon us only when we’re ready. We just need to receive the messages and be prepared to manage our anxieties over the changes that are forthcoming.

How do I deal with the fear of change or putting myself out there? I have an amazing goddess clutch bag (I’m tired of the toolbox analogy) with all the wands, scepters, and fairy dust I need to do the deep inner work, love my process, and give my body what it needs. In moments of questioning myself: 

  • I take note of what’s happening in my body. It’s like the feeling of being exposed when all I want is shelter. Instead of resisting my bodily response, I let the fear-driven sensations be felt and “seen.”
  • I listen to the stories that start racing through the background of my awareness, slipping into my consciousness like a sneaky bandit. It’s always centered around the theme of not being good enough. So I “rest” my masculine energy (i.e. pausing productivity so I can go inward and self-nurture) and recite my feminine mantras.
  • I ground myself and re-center through sensual movement.

I’m really in love with myself. More than I ever have been. There’s a softness and a calmness in my body that feels so good. I have a conscious femininity that allows me to be intuitively trusting in the universe and in myself without being swallowed up by the uncertainty of it. My positive masculinity is stepping in to take action on all of my dreams. These beautiful forces within me are working together.