I write today from my new home in Humboldt, California. Life has been an exciting whirlwind the past couple of months. I have been juggling my day job with S Factor Teacher Training, Jungian Life Coach Training, and a tiring but much-needed move to Northern California with my beloved sweetheart.
I’m leaving it all behind.
I will quit my day job at the end of this month as I focus full-time on helping womxn on their journeys as a Life Coach and Feminine Movement Instructor.
So if you’ve wondered where I’ve been, well, I’m still here. I just needed some time to focus on this huge transition–moving to a spacious, quiet home in a foggy, tree-filled town with little distraction.
I’ve arrived. After years of pining for change and hitting one road block after another, it’s all falling into place so perfectly.
“As people get older, it starts to become evident that either they become more developed or they become caricatures of themselves. It seems that many people are suffering from a refusal to grow.”
Conscious Femininity, Marion Woodman
Last week in the process of moving to Humboldt, I reached out to a local for help per the suggestion of my landlord in the case that I needed some back-up. I didn’t know this person. We had never met before. But I had a reason to reach out, so I did. The response was unexpected, it caught me off-guard, and it emotionally triggered me.
I was told my request was “unreasonable,” and no he could not help me. His response felt cold, and my back lit on fire in anger and shame.
Life is a never-ending process of coming to know your True Self. As a Jungian Life Coach, I will guide womxn through one of the least trodden paths of personal growth. The truth is that most humans will never do this kind of inner work. It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. And we don’t even know how to do it, because no one has shown us. It’s easier to stick to our stories and cling to what’s comfortable emotionally.
Because of the work I am doing in my training, I took an unusual step back from the situation–where at first, I felt I was being wrongfully accused by an ass-wipe jerk with no manners who I imagined as an ugly, lonely, flea-infested curmudgeon.
(Oh yes. I go there real fast.)
I felt defensive. How could he possibly suggest that I was being unreasonable? Me? What I wanted to respond was–fuck you, you nasty piece of garbage. You’re the one being unreasonable. Why don’t you go crawl into a hole and rot.
It’s my typical narrative. It bolsters my ego and puts me into a position of feeling right and justified.
And I’m naturally just really fucking sassy.
At the same time, I felt shame for even asking a favor. I go out of my way to be kind and thoughtful. I rarely ask for help out of fear of inconveniencing others. So when I get shot down, it hurts like hell. Even from strangers over text message.
It happened at bedtime the day before moving day. I needed some solid sleep, because I had to wake up at 4:45am. But I wasn’t going to sleep so easily. The story was playing through my head, and I couldn’t silence it. I wanted to reconcile my feelings and my inner turmoil. I recognized that I was emotionally triggered, which was presenting an opportunity to better understand my shadow–the parts of myself I’ve repressed and rejected. Shadow work is very difficult to do on your own. It typically requires a coach, but I knew the steps, and if I could at least partially pry open the dark dungeon I usually dare not enter, I could get a peak at something enlightening.
There’s too much to unpack without writing a dissertation here, and I’m still connecting all of the dots over a much larger theme in my life, but it all boils down to fear. Fear of how others will perceive me. Fear that I really am that person I try so hard not to be. And while I’m still working through the power that these fears hold over me, I’m already feeling the inner shift. A shift that leads to opening, possibility, and a place where I can honestly say: thank you mr. curmudgeon for pointing me right into the face of my own shadow.
A simple but powerful question is helpful here: “What’s the worst that could happen?” And once you play through the scenario, it actually feels a lot less scary. Even trivial. When I realized that it doesn’t matter, that’s when I knew I could begin to respond differently to other similarly triggering situations.
The grand takeaway is that I stand to benefit from asking for more from others. More favors. More requests. More bravery to allow myself to be in need. At the risk of being “unreasonable” and an inconvenience. Because I’m always hauling shit on my own. Draining myself. Being hard on myself. Injuring myself. All to prove a point that I CAN DO IT ALL ON MY OWN.
I pledge to be more unreasonable by asking for more.
Womxn, I challenge you to do the same. I know many of you work harder than your male colleagues, over-exert yourself, people-please, and spread yourselves so thin in every area of life because long ago you were shamed for having needs.
Let’s be MORE UNREASONABLE with our needs. Seriously, what is the worst that can happen?