Choosing to Drop In

Feminine flow energy is my jam.

I write about it. I put my face on social media to ramble about it. I quit my job earlier this year to dedicate my fucking life to it.

Because it has saved me, time and time again.

I’m a left-brained, highly sensitive, neurodivergent-ish* millennial who was raised to hustle, produce, and deliver perfection to the detriment of my emotional and physical body. I am both wired and conditioned to be a masculine machine.

I slip into hyperfocus mode when I work, my brain loves analyzing all of my and other people’s problems, and I know how to get shit done. I graduated with an above 4.0 GPA in college. I moved my ass to Japan (twice) all on my own. I anticipate problems at work and fix them before things break. I refuse to ask for help. I’m stubbornly independent. I pushed through pain and inflammation that crept up in my right arm in 2021 until I developed a disability. I often have trouble falling asleep because my brain doesn’t want to turn off.

In everything I do, I want to be the BEST.

And I fucking love that about myself. I strive for excellence because I don’t know how to be any other way. I’m a badass at what I set my mind to.

But five years ago I realized I wasn’t an unstoppable god. My body had been screaming at me for years that I was doing too much, going too fast, and not listening. In a moment of despair, I questioned if it was worth it to keep living, but a deeper part of me knew how fucked it was that I felt so worthless. In a matter of weeks, divine intervention took me to my first S Factor feminine movement & embodiment class and a Jungian therapist’s office. I’ve been on a journey ever since to chase the power of the feminine.

“The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.”

Joseph Campbell

It’s the power of dropping in.

Dropping in to the wisdom of my physical body and emotions, my higher self, my unconscious, and my divine presence and flow. I’ve been through some shit the past few years–haven’t we all?–but nothing could ever take away this inner power. Stripped down, I am a creature of incredible capacity, resilience, and instinctual knowing. There is no tragedy that could steal the perfection that resides in my body. I’m not trying to be a god anymore, but I am learning to hold myself in my own humanity when I act out from a place of feeling miserable and unworthy, so that I can find my way back to myself. Being able to do that, makes me feel like a goddess. Because my mind-body knows how to protect me. I’m not broken.

Dropping in suggests an element of surrender. Surrender to something greater than my thinking mind, outer world achievements, and everyday problems. I suffered in my twenties precisely because I refused to surrender control. I gave in to my unconscious impulses to be a hustle-holic, obsessing over every imperfection I could identify–all the while ignoring what the rest of my body had to say. Asking for help was repulsive because I subscribed to a deeply rooted belief that to admit to my neediness would suggest I was weak. It was completely unsustainable.

I might always be that womxn who wants to push through it, whether it’s because of my neurological wiring or the conditioning of the hustle-culture patriarchy. I still want to be the best, but I’ve learned to soften the edges of the part of me that’s masculine-driven with presence, flow, and embodiment.

I’ve faced my shadow–the part of me that’s ignorant, needy, messy, lazy, irresponsible–learning to not push away the ugly qualities that have unconsciously driven how I show up in the world. I drop in to the uncomfortable emotions that surface when I say “no” to the masculine impulses. Choosing to rest or be in my own divine presence precisely when my conditioned body wants to keep working and ruminating.

And this is why I refer to this work as a PRACTICE. There is no flipping of a switch, where I don’t have to try anymore. The negative masculine will always, to some degree, want to over-power me. Society will always push and pressure me.

Dropping in was hard at first, because it’s the feeling of surrender that I avoided. Surrender to the unknown, the unorganized, the unpredictable. Embodiment practices, shadow work, and emotional integration are how I’ve dismantled the patterns, impulses, and stories that kept me in the hamster wheel.

The positive feminine has changed me into something unrecognizable, compared to five years ago. I love being a Feminine Flow Queen now.


I still consciously choose to chase the feminine. I choose embodiment practices. I choose to dance. I choose to visit my inner Wise Womxn. I choose to face my shadow. I choose to sit with the discomfort of my emotional body.

As soon as I choose to stop dropping in, I am at risk of slipping into old habits–overworking, worrying myself into a frenzy, and losing a connection to myself and others. But one thing is for certain, I can never un-know this work. That is what motivates me to keep choosing.

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*I am neurologically-wired for the Broad Autism Phenotype, a very unknown mild version of autism that is common in people who have family members with diagnosed autism.