I write from a very vulnerable place of being worn down, little by little, year after year, and I know that the culprit that wore me down—I shall call it the illusion—needs to go. I call it the illusion because it has tricked not just me, but many more people. People I know and people I’ve never met. I see them struggling for the same reasons and giving the same excuses.
I tried to trudge along and make the illusion work a little bit longer. A little bit longer, a little bit longer. I have known on some level for years that the illusion was all wrong for me, but my ego mind kept coming up with excuses to stay with it.
It’s too risky to change.
You’ve worked too hard and for long to get here.
You spent tens of thousands of dollars for the illusion, and for that reason you have to stick with it, at least long enough to make it all “worth it.”
My masculine mind wants to protect me from risk, but the masculine mind has no creativity. No imagination. No hope. It wants to keep me small and safe. Passion and inspiration are nowhere to be found. My logical Athena archetype wants to continue on the rational path, but what is rational?
Is losing my sanity rational?
Is subjecting myself to mind-numbing conditions rational?
Is settling for the minuscule payoffs of the illusion rational?
The illusion has triggered my highly sensitive body and contributed to my chronic body tension and pain since the very beginning. The mere hope that the illusion would somehow become the right fit for me has been squashed time after time. And somehow I foolishly kept waiting. In my ego mind I reasoned that the enjoyable parts of the illusion–steadily disappearing–were reason enough to stay.
“No longer can she blame parents, siblings, friends, lovers, and her boss for the outcome of her life; now it is time to look at herself. Her task is to take the sword of her truth, find the sound of her voice, and choose the path of her destiny. Thus she will find the treasure of her seeking.”
The Heroine’s Journey, Marleen Murdock
The masculine mind cannot win against the feminine knowing of the body. On an illuminating day last week, my feminine took over my masculine, and I knew from the inside out that I cannot continue participating in the illusion. I cannot escape the feminine knowing. Once she speaks I have to listen. There is no other way. No turning back. It is the most powerful lifeforce that I have ever been fortunate enough to experience. I have made life-altering decisions from my feminine source many times throughout my adult life. She has never failed me. To repress her is to deny myself.
This is the life-death-life cycle in action. A 14-year phase of my life is coming to an end. I am not the same person I was a year ago and certainly not 10 years ago. My vision for my future was the best it could be at age 21 when I chose a path, but young Krissy didn’t know what mid-30s Krissy would be capable of. She didn’t know that every single year would magically shape her into one damn resilient woman with a creative dream not to be found anywhere else.
I am beginning to release the illusion.
The relief of knowing it is coming to an end very soon–because I decided it must end–is the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. My feminine intuition enlightened my masculine power, and now I can move full-steam ahead on changing course. This is a point to be emphasized; if I don’t let my logical archetypes take their hands off the wheel, I would never change or grow. I would get stuck. Stuck in the ego mind-trap and the “But what if…” loop.
Allow your transcendent feminine energy to empower your actions and you’ll no longer be limited by the same illusions as everyone else. That is a good thing.